Today, December 17 7:03 My Identity

 I've never been good at being alone. When I look back I don't think I was ever alone. I know the thought will cross many people's minds "but you're not alone. You have angels with you". I am really good at believing that for others. I am really good at the pep rally life. It feels strange to be on a journey of figuring out who I am after 36 years. 

Life changes all of the time and so fast that I find myself panicking inside to just keep up with the pace of my ever-changing-everything! When I was a child, I identified myself through my Barbies. I had a Hurricane best friend through elementary school, Megan. We would play with barbies for hours. I'd name my Barbie a name that I always wanted or after someone that I wanted to be like. We would play hours on end in our imaginary state of wishing we were really this Barbie. Mine had it all... the big house, a good looking Ken, beautiful clothes, and a big attitude! I would dream of becoming this successful Barbie in real life. Well, Barbies went out of style like the moon shoes. We were just too cool for them at one point and left them to gather dust like the forgotten toys in A Toy's Story. I became a teenager.... Here is the stage that I had amazing friends and identified myself through them. We talked alike, we liked the same group of boys. We loved ALL the same things and favored lake days, baking in the sun on the boat. 

Then came the boyfriend. Oh, the boyfriend. My one and only. the one I just couldn't be without. I became his "girlfriend", and that was my identity. The break-up was inevitable and it happened leaving our senior year of high school. (sigh) Who am I?

Then came the time to realize that high school was over. My life was OVER. My friends all went their separate ways. I was struggling again to find out who I identified myself as. Here is when I devoted myself to religion. I found happiness through it and stopped thinking about my identity. I realized that I could be that lonely tree in the front yard of our Hurricane house. The tree that was not surrounded by an other tree to tie knots under the ground with. I didn't need anyone else to support me, but God. I knew that then. There I was. I had found myself, my identity! Then I got married.

WIFE? Here I am lost once again. Barely 20 years old and I had to reevaluate myself as a wife. That took me 3 years. Then I was ok with being a wife. I actually loved it. 4 months into being a wife, I got pregnant. Oh no!! Now who am I? I'm supposed to prepare myself to be a mother. A MOTHER?! All these transitions. How am I supposed to stay true to my identity when I have to be something for everyone else? A wife, a mother, a daughter, a sister. I loved being it all, but who am I? 

I do remember struggling with life event changes. I think deep down I'm old and as spontaneous as I was as a youth, I don't like change very much. It takes me some time to make a decision. I think on things. I pray about things. I worry 100 times more than I need to about making a decision. I have to make sure that I role play it all out in my head of every possible good and bad outcome. After that process, I make the decision. Once my decision is made, it's final. I have to be the one to decide for me though. Only once I decide, is it cemented and rock solid. I remember struggling as a first time mother, and then it came to me. I am who I am because of all of these great things I've been and experienced. The imaginary child, the fun teenager, the lonely tree, the wife the mother. I can add to that list now with being a double divorcee, lover of alcohol, devoted mother, sole provider, and a loyal girlfriend. I am on this journey to finding my identity through combining all of these stages of my life. Allow it to mold me into the person that I am and the person God wants me to be. My children will grow up and move on with their lives. I will always be with me. My ever-changing self. 

I find my identity through that which gives it to me.... my religion, my friends, my family, my children, my Joe. I am a proud mother and a good one. I am a respectful and loving daughter. I am a supportive sister. I am an ever trying girlfriend and a woman who loves God. (sigh)