Oxygen

Two days ago I sat in my bedroom on a perfectly flat yoga mat with 4 small candles lit in the distance and behind me. I listened to a stranger talk to me while describing a white light above my head and choosing to let it in to fill my entire body. Down and through every limb and joint. With every inhale it sank deeper and eventually penetrated every vein in my body until it was a light that was traveling and circulating with my blood. To the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes. I was in a place of breathing in oxygen that was colorful and labeled with purpose. I labeled the complete opposite of light to what I was breathing out. The amount of inhaled oxygen is 21% compared to 16% on the exhale. I held on to that 5% that I labeled and allowed it to find rest in my body.

This all sounds a little coo coo. Just typing it out makes me feel like I need to check myself into a mental hospital. I laughed at it all before too. This breathing is to show me that although my subconscious mind is intelligent, that my conscious mind is even more so. My conscious mind has choice and I was choosing my breaths and how long every inhale and exhale would be. I want that 5% of labeled oxygen to penetrate my very existence. When the session came to an end, I stood up and put the lid on all 4 candles, suffocating the oxygen in their small tin container. This candle had no chance of keeping it's light because I chose to suffocate the oxygen that it once used to project it's light and warmth. I was in such a state of gratitude that I felt bad for taking away the key component of life to this fire. I don't know why I felt bad for a candle, but I did. I saw in myself that candle. How quick the light went out when something more powerful than me stripped me of oxygen. I chose to give that power up in the beginning, but perhaps subconsciously. I would have never given anyone or anything that much power. I know the love and compassion I have and it cares deeply for those in my life. I used to give it freely, until that one time. That one time I gave it and the receiver just couldn't get enough. It was the first time that I had truly experienced such taking and stripping of the very thing that I loved most about myself. If emotional damage was a visual of the body, then it would look like someone had very carefully a meticulously took a scalpel and began just scrapping the surface of my entire skin organ. Just a little though. Just enough for the flesh to turn pink. The pain of that became manageable and I subconsciously asked the scraper to please take another layer. And then another layer, and then another. Layers until I was laying there bleeding. After there was nothing more to offer the scraper left. I had no idea how to bandage this mess up or how to heal it. It happened so gradual but the end result was catastrophic. I convinced myself that alcohol would help me from giving anyone this power again. It works because I get angry with it and through my anger I push everyone away. This anger didn't stick with the bottle though. It started to overflow into my real personality. I am here now though. Where is here? Here is working on my reacting behavior. If anyone gets too close and touches the scars from that scalpel, I definitely flinch. I talked to God about this and I showed him all of my scars and wounds that I keep trying to heal by myself. "Oxygen plays a very significant role in wound healing. It is needed for cellular function and can kill bacteria and cause resistance to infection. Oxygen stimulates the creation of new blood vessels and also aids growth factors to form new skin." Hmmm.... Who would have known that oxygen is more than what we breath. 

I have this wick that was dipped in wax made of love, compassion, a deep concern to understand and help others. My oxygen to keep this wick burning is God. I forgot to hand my pain over to Him until it was almost too late. He has shown me that He was always there. I have vivid memories of chaos and rampage that I would wake up to the next day not really knowing what happened or how it happened. The shame would make me want to bury myself under a boulder. That's not me though. Not anymore. I will take ownership of it all. I will allow the oxygen in to burn my inner candle and I will keep trying and trust those around me to tell me if they see me dimming. I trust the people in my life now. I trust God first, but I'm not always good at listening to Him and trust that He will work through others to get to me as well. It took one very special boy to turn my life around. It took one very incredible soul who loved me. His exhausting conversations that were deep and thought provoking. His compassion and ability to reach into a place that I haven't let anyone into for 14 years. I remember the very day I seared every entrance into that vulnerable and lovely place. Somehow, he touched it. It was more than a feeling. It was conscious action of his that found access to that sacred place of mine. I will forever be full of gratitude for that gift. What a beautiful miracle that I have experienced within myself. This has no fairy tale ending right now, yet my heart is open and although my ego still likes to play a part in this story by overreacting out of fear, the quietness and the calmness of my very core reminds me that this flame is very much alive and has no room for resentment or blame. It is what it is. 

Now take a long deep breath and with the exhale let that ugly stuff go!