Today 6:15 AM

 I did love the LDS temple. It had more meaning to me than the work that I performed there. That could be a wrong statement. Perhaps, it was the work I put in there that solidified my peace and reiterated what my mom had been showing me all of those Saturdays. It had a connection to the love I had for my mom and the hope for an eternal family. This blog is for me to place my anger where it belongs. Recent events have jolted me to take a hard look at my life and identify where my pain needs to rest and where my anger needs to go. I don't know how to do that. As I was laying in my king size bed last night by myself I remembered the feeling I had after my brother Aaron passed away. I couldn't take a deep breath for some time after he died. I believe that was the first time I felt pure anger. Desertion. In my past opinion, failure. You failed Aaron. You gave up. How could you?  After he passed away I would have this dream of myself falling into a huge white duvet. I was never falling forward or face first. Always backwards and from something tall. I would always look at the sky as I would fall. I felt far from heaven and even further away from Aaron as I kept falling. Sometimes I would wake up before hitting the white duvet that would catch me and feel desperate to go back to sleep to be caught again. Would I be caught by security again in life? Where did my security go and how could the only man that I knew loved me, leave me here? I had a husband at the time, but whether he loved me or not, his actions, and at times words, would confirm my fears of not being worthy of a man's love. I knew Aaron loved me. I knew because we were inseparable as children. I was always 2 steps behind my brother. He was the better one at gymnastics. More brave. I was scared of trying new things but my confidence came from seeing my brother do things first. Always. From jumping off of diving boards to cliff jumping to tumbling on a gymnastic floor. If he could do it, I could do it. We both got rollerblades one year. We loved those shin blistering things. The skin would be so sensitive and worn down where the top of the rollerblades would rub. I'm sure everyone experienced this, especially if your socks didn't go high enough. He upgraded from rollerblades to skateboarding. I couldn't skateboard. He was just a dare devil and fearless in whatever he did. Aaron was looked up to in the skate world. My brother was the best. I don't say that because I loved him, he was. He got sponsored for a hot minute and then drugs took over. We drifted apart but he was always there and would let me cry on his shoulder when I would have a breakup or just needed to cry because I'm a girl. Drugs shackled my brother so damn tight that he didn't have the strength to break the chains. All of my siblings have a story of when Aaron was on drugs. Strange times and we loved him. We supported and maybe crutched him. What else is family to do? Certainly not walk away. 

I burritoed myself in my king size duvet as I slept last night thinking of that falling dream. I craved to be caught. Today I'm in a place that I have been falling for years and it's time for me to wake up from the falling dream and find my own duvet of comfort. Deal with my anger and plead for forgiveness and help from above. Anger isn't a characteristic that people who know me would define me as. Perhaps, maybe now it is though. I have been angry. I have felt left behind. Forgotten. Not good enough. I had those thoughts fester for years that it's who I somewhat became. I will be the one to push you out of my life. How dare you leave me. That is my mentality now. I don't know how to deal with loss, yet I keep losing. I hated losing. My dad would say that second place is first loser. I was not a loser. I never got second and if I did, I would quit. Immediately. I loved gymnastics. Quit because I wasn't first anymore. I loved playing the viola, the flute, the accordion, the piano. I quit it all. Bad habits and thought behavior that I now have to fight as an adult. I lost another important person in my life just recently. I have two choices (because I am a black and white person) and neither one promises his return. My go to is to let him go. He deserves better than my angry outbursts that I have developed. My real self is a fighter for what is right and the right thing to do is to surrender. Let go of what I think is the right thing to do. I can't do my life without God as my center and my center is not so centered. I am wishy washy and undefined. I am writing this blog as a self inventory. My self's truth. My plea for help as I work with God to His return.