Happy Birthday Aaron

 You would have been 38 today. I remember when I had my 30th birthday. It was the hardest one. It was the first time that I would have lived longer than you on earth. You were only 29 when you passed away. This morning as I'm writing this, I feel numb. I don't really know how I feel or what to say.

A lot has happened since you've been gone, but you may know that already. I'm grateful for my experiences. For they develop empathy and it's my hope that I have the opportunity to use my developed and developing empathy to help others. I found 2 letters that I had written you in your side table, next to your bed, when I was sitting in your bedroom on Sunday, June 10, 2010. 3 days after you passed away. I took them and have kept them in a small brown box. I took them out to read them again this morning. They must have meant something to you because you had moved  a couple of times and you still had them next to your bed. 

The one I will share has the envelope that is addressed to "Aaron, my dear brother"

"Aaron,
I've been meaning to call you. I got your message on Mother's Day wishing me a a Happy Mother's Day. It meant so much to me. It was very thoughtful. 
I have a lot of thoughts going through my mind and just need someone to talk to, but I'm not always good at expressing myself by talking. I do better writing it down.
I feel like life has been going so fast. How can so much happen in so little time? I always go back in my thoughts to when we were toddlers. I had the ideal life. I had what every girl wanted - a protective brother. You were there for me my entire life. I always felt like you were proud of me. I was so happy knowing you were in the audience when I tried out for Miss Hurricane. Above anyone that was there, it meant most that you were there. When I look back over all my memories, you were always there for every single one of us. Your brothers and sisters. What did you do and who were you before you came here that has made you so incredible? You're smart. You're a fighter. By small and simple things are great things brought to pass. If you look at how the door moves. It has these small hinges that barely have to move to make a huge opening at the end of the door. Or throwing a tiny pebble into a pond and watching the huge affect of ripples. That's how I feel about your influence in my life. I go to church every Sunday and I pray multiple times a day. I plead to be better, softer, more giving. I read uplifting scriptures to find strength. I work so hard at becoming what you are so naturally. You are that hinge in my life. You've made such a difference in my life. I'm so thankful to have you in my life. I want you to always be happy in YOUR life. You are that ray of sunshine that lights up the room. I miss you when I'm at mom's and you're not there. Your laughter brightens my day. I used to wet my pillow countless nights over the thought of you on drugs. I now cry because I feel so distant from the family. Growing up all I ever wanted was to live close to my family so the cousins could play and the adults would eat dinners together. It's hard when you realize everything you've always dreamed for doesn't come true. I miss everyone so much. I try to keep myself busy so I don't think about it and I try to live my own little life, but it gets really lonely and hard. I want you to know that I love you so very very deeply. I'm so grateful to know that I'll have you by my side throughout eternity. Thank you for everything you've done for me and continue to do. You're so dependable. Thank you for fighting for your life to break the hellish chains of addiction. Don't ever doubt the experiences you've had as a child of your guardian angel. You may not see how special you are, but I know you are. People just aren't like you. Little toddler boys just don't love and protect their sister like you naturally did. You are so rare. You are so divinely special- I know you are. Believe in yourself, Aaron. Take a peek at your heart and you will know deep down and unexplainably that you are something bigger than you thought. 
I love you so much Aaron! My brother, I love you!

Love, Shantell"

I must have wrote this letter around 2009. 3 years before he passed away. That's how quick it took my brother to get clean from meth and then die from heroin just a few years later. That's how quick life really goes. 

I love you Aaron. Just as I always have. I will forever miss you and will cherish every thought I have of you until we meet again. I hope to see you again. Love, Telly