Submit

After my divorce to the father of my children I started dating. It was so fun! I had a girl friend that had just gotten a divorce too and we would share all of our stories of the good, weird, fun, crazy, and whatever guys we would date. I dated someone new every night that I didn't have my kids. I had my eyes on one particular person, but he had a lot of shit going on. I must be attracted to drama because the moment I saw all of his shit, I jumped right into his sewer. Like, emerged myself in it. It then became my shit. 

I remember when I was going to therapy with my first husband. It was a long and extensive program and I felt like every time we'd go, another story or painful thing would unfold. I felt like I was getting battered down with all of the secrets that were withheld from me in our marriage. What?! How could I have not seen all of this? Do I live in relationships with my eyes closed? The program that we were in had a women's group therapy while the men had their group therapy. Then, I had my individual therapy. Then, we had our couples therapy. THEN, we had a women and men's therapy with everyone involved in the program. HOLY THERAPY!!!!! I ate, slept, drank, talked, and wrote about therapy for 9 months. The time it takes to make a human in my own body. You would think that if my body could create a human life in 9 months, then I could recreate myself too. It was exhausting. I had a hard time with the women. They were so angry! I hadn't reached that anger point yet in my life. I was hurt by, my then husband's, actions, but I wasn't angry. I really felt sorry for the men who were courageous enough to stand in front of their wife and everyone in that room as they stripped down their pride and admitted their shame. At the end of the second part of this program, the women needed to write a letter to their husband's to read in front of the group. I turned to my husband and said that I couldn't do that. I couldn't stand in front of that group of "safe" people to express my hurt and "anger" towards the man that I am to love and honor. In my one on one therapy, I expressed this. I'm not that person. My husband has been shamed enough and I don't feel the same way as the other women. I'm not mad. I'm offended, but not mad. I wanted to be loved by my husband and that never made me angry. Sad. Not angry. The therapist told me that it was part of the program and I had to do it. My husband needed to know the ramifications of his actions. I agreed to write the letter to read in front of everyone. I threw out all of my binders of that time after our divorce, so I don't have the letter anymore. I wrote a letter of acceptance. I couldn't pretend to be angry. I wrote a letter of my honest view of him and the situation. As I read it, I could see the women shifting in their chairs. They weren't happy about it. They knew how I felt, so it shouldn't have come off as such of a surprise. It was as if they wanted their husbands to suffer. They wanted their husband to know that EVERY woman feels the way they do. I just didn't. I expressed my offended feelings and claimed them as my own. Feelings that I needed to work out. I expressed my gratitude of it hurting me because it meant I can feel. I expressed my admiration for the man I was married to and the courage he had to take the steps he was taking. I meant every word and still do. I'd be lying if I didn't say that the men were crying. I didn't stand there as a "I'm better than your wife because this is how I feel". No! I am not one that shies away from speaking my self's truth. Regardless of what people think I should be, feel, act, or do, I didn't deviate much from what I believed within myself. Maybe I had an earlier heads up than the other women. My husband had told me things here and there that took me to my knees. I knew if this marriage was going to last, it just wouldn't if I got resentful. I really felt like my worth was not defined by husband. I felt that I could live with or without him, but never used it as a weapon of threat. I can't remember what year that was, but we completed what we wanted to of the program and went on with our life. My husband didn't touch me much. When I say that we didn't kiss for 9 years of our marriage. It's true. Maybe a little peck here and there, but we didn't kiss. He didn't like to be touched and didn't touch much either. It was when he felt the clouds lift that were hanging over him that he hugged me from behind as I was unloading the dishwasher. He told me that he loved me and had tears in his eyes because he felt like he could "feel" in the first time since his military days before his LDS mission. I froze up and told him that I wanted a divorce. I felt like he was strong enough now with me out of the picture and I wanted my sons to see their mother loved and how to show affection to a woman. I wanted to feel loved and have affection. What a joke of the next few years following that divorce. My kids have now seen what I saw as a child. A crazy dysfunctional home with a desperate woman and a crazy man. We brought the absolute worst out in each other and there was nothing else to feel but hate, anger, resentment, contempt and failure. Sides to me that I didn't know I had. The nasty part of all of this is trying to figure out how to get rid of that ugly side now. I had no idea what I had just tapped into within myself and it lit fires with a stormy blaze. I spewed hurtful fire bombs at everyone. EVERYONE! So, here I am. Balancing this anger and love and not really knowing how to rid myself of that anger. I am back down on my knees and feel that it takes submission. You can see and know when a dog submits to its Alpha. It's then a sign of respect and an understanding that their Alpha knows better and expects a specific behavior. No man on this earth is my Alpha. My Alpha is a greater power above and how that submission looks and feels like now is beyond my comprehension. So, I pray. I meditate. I write. I must be as honest and transparent as I can be in order for my Alpha to know what I'm willing to submit.