Third Time is My Charm

 A decade of wondering what was wrong with me. Dating after my divorce felt like an abyss of confusion. I felt seen. I felt like I could attract anyone I wanted and settled for a man, who was a vortex of chaos. It sucked me right in. His chaos became my chaos and I kept sliding further and further into the vortex hole of trauma. It was a tough climb out. The pain of regret kept me falling deeper and deeper into the sucking hole. Who would want this person I was becoming being with that man? Nobody. Nobody could possible accept the constant drinking, partying, and my constant plea for more and more attention.  Smeared mascara dripping from the chin of a sad woman as she curled up to hug a pillow for comfort. Demons in her mind as they chattered thoughts of worthlessness and convincing her she was a terrible mother and even worse companion. Bottles of heart medication, muscle relaxers, and an empty bottle of vodka sat next to her bed that afternoon as she decided to join the dan...

 You know that feeling after sucking on something so cold that you squint your eyes and pull your shoulders up to your ears and... oof maybe hold on to your forehead and cover your eyes? This is the very feeling I felt as a child. As did my siblings. Maybe, and, perhaps- you too.  Sad movies... "are you crying?" "are you crying?" *giggles* Yes. We are all crying. Except you Dad with his belly on the floor. Mom making sure we weren't crying... Kids scattered on the couch digging into the bottom and top cushion of the long couch for some kind of comfort. Comfort: engulfing. embracing. holding. gentle. cry. safe.  Let your brain freeze for the moment- you are more than the feelings that blow with the breeze    

 What a deceitful word; The word "attraction".  Grounded in my commitments and obligations from birth. I am attracted to your freedom. My perception of your ability to be free.  You are so free.  Can you free me too? Attraction, You are but the biggest distraction. I am easily swayed by, and blown with the leaves, that whither in seasons from the roots you are.  There is no holding in the wind as you and I are blown. Roots, I hear the wind from above the ground that I'm now in, and perhaps, have seen before. Plant yourself. You will be just as rooted as the evergreen tree and ever more. 

 Two planks of sheetrock and a couple of 2x4 standing pieces of wood is not enough to hold back my ears- from hearing your tears.  Not enough paint to cover the walls that cover the sheetrock and muffle all of your tears that I so desperately wish to catch of yours over the years. I am tempted to ask who suffers more... The listener or the sufferer. I dare not ask. Not anymore. We are all the sufferer.  Dear Holder, There is always space in the arms of you, dear Holder. In the heart of yours... a Holder. Within and fully encompassed by you, the Holder.  I want to hold too.  Dear Healer, I don't know you. You are but a dream and one of beautiful hope. Do you hold while you heal? or just hold?...  or just heal? If anything, please do both for my daughter. 

 Straight face. Shoulders back.  Just kidding- smile time.... Iron board thrown and newspapers from a flat tired bicycle thrown.. as well. On the grass and punches from a heavyset man thrown on top of "my smile time". Walking man dance. "Keep your tongue in your mouth, will ya?" My smile time.  I never had a smile time, because I knew the nod. 

 I'm learning that withdrawal is something experienced with anything you've relied on and it's immediately taken away. There are different ways something is taken away from you. I heard from a friend "you want to know how to make someone go absolutely insane? - Give them something they love and then take it away."  I am in the process of removing things from my life that cause a reaction that is uncomfortable. Allowing myself to feel the withdrawal because I choose it.  Dear Instagram and Facebook, Wow! I have over 1,000 friends with you. I care about them and like their posts so they know I care about them. My world is so small with you and it's been my world for years. I deleted you July 28 and it has felt strange without you. A little bit of a world flip. I woke up at 3:30am and permanently deleted my account and hiked Mount Raymond. Wow! What a beautiful world and incredible view. My world that I saw in front of me was incomprehensibly massive. Where have ...

 Mind on overload looks like a week in bed with debilitating anxiety. What is it that loads my mind and body to a state of empty thoughts but a heavy mind? Overload of what? Some "friends" would consider me as spontaneous. I'm not. I was reckless with the amount of times I coped with alcohol avoiding what was tugging at the strings of my soul. That is not spontaneous. That was hurtful and damaging to not just the people I love, but to my soul, my mind, my heart. It numbed my ability to feel close to God. It dumbed my mind to forget irrational behavior. It severed the aorta to my heart that is meant to provide real love.  It was a phase of success. It was but a phase in my life of grief. Unexplainable and tormenting grief that I wasn't prepared to handle nor even know what to do when it engulfed my entire being. It felt like it was never going to end. It ended, but the ripple effect will continue to wash upon the shores of my vulnerable existence.  That ripple effect i...

  Dear Dissociation,  Hollow. Separated. Afraid. Untrusting.    Head tilted back and breathing again. *inhale*    hold.    *exhale*    free.    Hello my friend, I wish we would never have met again. I've been running from you, and yet... I still find you. I am trying to remember when I first met you.    Blank.   I am searching for you now. I hope to find you. You are haunting and exhausting and keep me awake all night.    My dear Dissociation,  Your cunning, persuasive, and enticing inhale breathes me in.  I accept the peace of your inhale. I am sucked. Hold me. Please hold me.  I wake up. You are as cunning as I've been told. I want to hold you now. I see you in all the world around me and in the people I love.    Dear Dissociation, You are the heal of false perception, and not the healer.   

 There are places I've been that are hard to revisit. My brother's grave, for example. I struggle to visit where he's buried. I have places I go where I leave my pain behind. Where I heal as I visit. Where the warmth of freedom fills my entire soul with flames of wholeness. It engulfs me completely. I would go visit regularly to feel the burning sensation of the refiner's fire changing, molding, and healing me. I took a long hard break from this healing place of mine. Somewhere along the way, I convinced myself that there were too many people taking up space. My little personal healing space.  I went through some old notes that I found of the times I'd visit it. I wrote "My faith lacks hope. My knowledge lacks belief. My doubt overrides truth. My brain lacks the memory of that time I once had hope in my faith, belief in my knowledge, and truth once trumped my doubts. I want to live like the river... It has no doubts, it is sure to get where it's going and d...

 I was sitting on my couch just thinking. That's what I do now. I think and I think and I think. Just as Winnie the Pooh would do while squinting his eyes and tapping the side of his head as if searching for an answer while saying "think, think, think". The concept of the pendulum popped into my mind. I have heard people say that "the pendulum swings to the other side", as if to describe what once was positive now became a negative or vice versa. I thought about that and it just didn't sit right with me. I googled "what makes the pendulum swing?" There are 6 forms of energy, but I want to write about the 2 forms that are used in a pendulum. There is an energy that is called "potential energy" and there is another energy called "kinetic energy". These two forms of energy make the pendulum swing. Now, if you think about potential and what we define that as... it is the idea of becoming better than what is. So, we all have this ...