Confessions

 A decade of wondering what was wrong with me. Dating after my divorce felt like an abyss of confusion. I felt seen. I felt like I could attract anyone I wanted and settled for a man, who was a vortex of chaos. It sucked me right in. His chaos became my chaos and I kept sliding further and further into the vortex hole of trauma. It was a tough climb out. The pain of regret kept me falling deeper and deeper into the sucking hole. Who would want this person I was becoming being with that man? Nobody. Nobody could possible accept the constant drinking, partying, and my constant plea for more and more attention. 

Smeared mascara dripping from the chin of a sad woman as she curled up to hug a pillow for comfort. Demons in her mind as they chattered thoughts of worthlessness and convincing her she was a terrible mother and even worse companion. Bottles of heart medication, muscle relaxers, and an empty bottle of vodka sat next to her bed that afternoon as she decided to join the dance with the demons that became her friends. Good night.

Where am I? Laying on a mattress with scratchy blankets, no underwear, strange hospital clothing, and no privacy. What have I done? This isn't the dance I was anticipating. Mother's Day was one week away. I have to get out of here. I have to see my kids. 
"Ms. K, How are you feeling?"
-"I don't know what I feel. I guess I feel nothing."
"Ms. K, here are your meds. They'll help you feel better. Please join us for a group session at 10AM."
-"What meds are these? What am I taking them for?"
"They will help you feel less anxious."
-"OK. Swallowed."

10AM meeting. 
"Ms. K, would you like to share?"
I'm staring out the big windows watching people drive by feeling so apathetic and confused. How do I get out of here?
"Ms. K, would you like to participate?"
-"Yes, of course. I'm sorry. What do you need me to do?"
"Ms. K, if you'd like to get out of here, it's important that you actively participate in all the activities and take your meds."
"OK. You got it!"

Once a day calls to let people know where I am and the status of my mental health. 2 visitors allowed every evening. My mom, sister, Brit, and Mike were my only visitors. No tears from  me at this point. Heavily medicated and numb walking like a zombie as I stared out of my hollow eyes that windowed my hollow soul. Is this what it feels like to join that dance with the demons that chattered and danced endlessly in my head after consuming their liquid poison in the form of a clear burn down the throat from a glass cold bottle? I don't want this anymore. 

Released the Saturday before Mother's Day. Feeling airheaded. "Happy Mother's Day!" 

Continued the mind numbing medication and started drinking again. Dating a new man now and feeling a bit excited about a new journey. He was easily thrown up on a pedestal that I built him in my mind. How could someone be so perfect? Who is this man? I got glimpses of this man as our dating turned into living together and my admiration for such a person blinded my eyes to the untold innocent lies here and there. I don't think any of them were a big deal, but it was PTSD for me that was triggered and feeling deceived. Was I deceived? Pushing him to just tell me the truth of the things I would randomly find out. Screaming in my head "I DON'T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE DOESN'T TELL ME. I AM NOT LOOKING FOR THIS AND THAT." 
Begging myself to stay calm and let it all go. Is it really that big of a deal anyway? Maybe not to some. It was my past of being lied to by men who were sucked into their own abyss of demons. 

Sober now. Clear headed and leaning on Jesus. Today I am able to feel free. Praying the shackles of my past remain there. I forgive myself and those around me. I wish to not engage in reacting to another's frustration and resentment. I don't live in the past of my regret anymore and I'm grateful for the last 10 months of extreme growth and absolute time alone. It's been more than magical to find that I love myself.