Withdrawal

 I'm learning that withdrawal is something experienced with anything you've relied on and it's immediately taken away. There are different ways something is taken away from you. I heard from a friend "you want to know how to make someone go absolutely insane? - Give them something they love and then take it away." 

I am in the process of removing things from my life that cause a reaction that is uncomfortable. Allowing myself to feel the withdrawal because I choose it. 

Dear Instagram and Facebook,

Wow! I have over 1,000 friends with you. I care about them and like their posts so they know I care about them. My world is so small with you and it's been my world for years. I deleted you July 28 and it has felt strange without you. A little bit of a world flip. I woke up at 3:30am and permanently deleted my account and hiked Mount Raymond. Wow! What a beautiful world and incredible view. My world that I saw in front of me was incomprehensibly massive. Where have I been? The withdrawal from you has me putting one foot in front of the other to see how big my world truly is. 


Dear Party Friends,

River floats, late night laughing, head thumping music, tears (irrational tears), morning anxiety, next day conversations that are repeated words of regret, loss. I have a few party friends lingering and it's time to say I'll see you on the flipside. I have loved you and I have experienced things I never would have without you, but my laughter has grown quiet and the sounds that would echo from the roaring laughing my entire being would experience has been replaced with peace. Lonely at times, yes. I feel alone quite often now, but since letting most go and now the rest, I have experienced challenges that I should have experienced being friends with you. I wouldn't have survived them though. I quit a high paying and successful job. I was fired from my next because of a "culture difference and my personality test results". Ouch. Y'all accepted me completely and now this world I've replaced you with is cutthroat and I don't always reach their bar. 


Dear World Bar,

I have an internal fight to always reach for you. I want to be the best bar reacher ever! Not anymore though. You are competitive and draining. You burned me out. I am currently experiencing the burnout from you. Since letting you go, I have gone through an intense audit that reviewed my last 5 years of being with you. I had to prove that I did it for 5 years. Yesterday, August 2, I received the "Your application has been accepted. You have 365 days remaining to pay for, schedule and take your exam." There are absolutely no words that could reiterate the tears that fell from my face of fighting for 5+ years to read those words. It is today, August 3 that I have been officially divorced for 7 years. I woke up at 6am and reached over to touch my 11 year-old's hand who was sleeping next to me. Thinking about these last 7 years causes such an intense reaction that I immediately get a bellyache and if I sat in front of the toilet, I would throw up. You are a withdrawal that has me exhausted to the point of never wanting to meet you again. 


Dear Love,

Pause.
My love, you have carried me through. Loving and the hope for it in return kept me going. I'm so sorry that I was so afraid of the withdrawals of other things that I neglected to appreciate what you truly provided for me. The withdrawal of you was so intense that it has made the withdrawal from others feel much smaller. Writing to World Bar made me queasy, but my love, writing to you had me just hugging the toilet. My dear Juliana brought me cold water to drink after not being able to hold my sickness back. 





Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Reach

Having brothers have taught me that the reach of a woman is strong.  I did it too. Until - no semi ;  listen to mom. Grateful for brothers. I see (as a sister) the sadness of my brothers because of her sadness and her confusion. Fuck you. Mother's birth and let their children decide. 
Read more

Oxygen

Two days ago I sat in my bedroom on a perfectly flat yoga mat with 4 small candles lit in the distance and behind me. I listened to a stranger talk to me while describing a white light above my head and choosing to let it in to fill my entire body. Down and through every limb and joint. With every inhale it sank deeper and eventually penetrated every vein in my body until it was a light that was traveling and circulating with my blood. To the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes. I was in a place of breathing in oxygen that was colorful and labeled with purpose. I labeled the complete opposite of light to what I was breathing out. The amount of inhaled oxygen is 21% compared to 16% on the exhale. I held on to that 5% that I labeled and allowed it to find rest in my body. This all sounds a little coo coo. Just typing it out makes me feel like I need to check myself into a mental hospital. I laughed at it all before too. This breathing is to show me that although my subconscious min...
Read more

The Road To Hana

Image
The Hana highway is in Maui, Hawaii, and has 620 curvy switchbacks and 59 bridges. I've never driven on it, but I've heard the term "The Road To Hana". I looked it up today to get an idea of what people mean when they use that term. Hawaii has a rich Japanese culture and they are the second largest ethnic group residing there. The Japanese translation of Hana is "flower blossom". This legendary road is 52 miles. From an article I found online:   " The road leads you through flourishing rainforests, flowing waterfalls, plunging pools and dramatic seascapes.  Please keep in mind that you’ll encounter challenging turns and narrow bridges along the way, so it’s important to exercise caution and take your time.  There  are plenty of opportunities to stop and enjoy the lovely views, so get an early start and take your time on your drive. While it’s all about the journey, once you reach the beautiful and quiet town of Hana, you’ll see why it’s worth the trip....
Read more