Overload

 Mind on overload looks like a week in bed with debilitating anxiety. What is it that loads my mind and body to a state of empty thoughts but a heavy mind? Overload of what?

Some "friends" would consider me as spontaneous. I'm not.
I was reckless with the amount of times I coped with alcohol avoiding what was tugging at the strings of my soul. That is not spontaneous. That was hurtful and damaging to not just the people I love, but to my soul, my mind, my heart. It numbed my ability to feel close to God. It dumbed my mind to forget irrational behavior. It severed the aorta to my heart that is meant to provide real love. 

It was a phase of success. It was but a phase in my life of grief. Unexplainable and tormenting grief that I wasn't prepared to handle nor even know what to do when it engulfed my entire being. It felt like it was never going to end.
It ended, but the ripple effect will continue to wash upon the shores of my vulnerable existence. 

That ripple effect is my current overload. 

One ripple effect is disappointing those around me with their unmet expectations. The tug-of-war of needing to decompress- knowing it's triggering for those around me to assume there is more than what truth is. Sobriety to me is knowing I will disappoint those around me that I have caused stains on their heart that I can never wash away. I won't drink that thought away. I have learned that only I can eradicate my own stains that are on my heart. To forgive when not forgiven. 

When the ripple effect hits the shore it doesn't just bring things to the surface of my soul, but it also strips me of something to wash back into the ocean of mystery. I can't always identify what it gives or strips me of. But, I can say that I am always left with gratitude. Gratitude that this overload process teaches me I can love wholeheartedly. I can cry. I can feel anxiety. I can conquer anxiety. I can show up. I can teach others that it's ok to sit in the dark and not want to move. It will be but a brief moment and when the tide is low and things are more easily seen, run like hell out of there to a place of gratitude and hold on to the moment of clarity. There will be times of engulfment that you feel like you're drowning in grief. Keep your head up, buttercup. Hold on to yourself. You are a success for merely breathing. Tides rise and they settle. The wind blows and it is still. Birds chirp and they are silent. Flowers bloom and they are dormant. Trees produce fruit and they are barren. You are life and no more than the ebbs and flows of what beautiful nature teaches. 

"I'm sorry, Please forgive me, Thank you, I love you" - Ho'oponopono prayer" 

"Chant" Macklemore featuring Tones & I music video

"Love Goes On and On" Lindsey Stirling featuring Amy Lee of Evanescence music video

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