One Day or Day One

 You know what hurts my feelings? When someone says "that's not you." As if people want to wear goggles that will morph my reality to appease their perception. It is me. All of it. Who would I be if I didn't have the ugly? How would I know? 

Spencer W. Kimball said in his talk "God will Forgive" that he gave in March 1982- "Another error into which some transgressors fall, because of the availability of God's forgiveness, is the illusion that they are somehow stronger for having committed sin and then lived through the period of repentance.... How satisfying it is to be cleansed from filthiness, but how much better it is never to have committed the sin!" I don't remember when I first heard that, but I haven't forgotten it. It defies what the atonement is for. The only one that never committed sin is Jesus so I guess if we can't be perfect then we should measure up next to each other. To those who have worse sins than the other. "Well, I didn't do that so yeah... I'm clearly better." Nope. Wrong. We are all equal and worthy of the same dignity and respect. 

I never understood why people hurt each other because they were hurting. Such a vindictive trait. I don't believe that anymore. Does the stray cat slice your arm up with their claws when you catch it because it wants to hurt you? No. It's scared. It's had to fend for itself it's entire life. What a cush life that domesticated cat has that lounges on the back of your couch. Who would even dare bring that wild and jumpy cat into their home? What if that wild cat hurts my perfect cat? I will lose my well mannered cat if I bring such a demon cat into my home. So, we accept that the wild cat will always be wild. After you've been hurt by it, you learn your lesson to never touch it again. I believe this pattern is found within humanity. One to another. It's hard to go from being well mannered and domesticated to living on the streets as a stray cat. Having babies that you don't know how to fully care and provide for. Hoping that someone will see their offspring better than their frazzled and anxious mother. Don't touch me, but please love me and help them. I am crying as I write this because I relate to it so perfectly. I, fortunately, have a greater knowledge than that of a cat, but my instinct of clawing at the sign of being hurt again is oh so real. I still have these claws that suddenly appear to shred the skin of another to defend myself. People mean well, I know this. It's an instinct within me. I don't want to hurt you. I would rather be hurt than hurt another. One day I will ask my maker to declaw me. 

Day one was decided December 12. Not one day anymore. On my knees. Father in Heaven, please. Please help me make it to day two. Please rip these claws from within me. Please. I will be patient, but please let me know you are working at carefully removing one claw at a time by cutting the many threads that hold them inside. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I surrender. 

Day one is everyday for me now. I still say "please help me make it to day two". I will know when I am completely declawed. For now, I feel the threads loosen as day one ends.