Honesty. Family First. Acceptance.

 Last night we had a family meeting. I have struggled since my divorce with my children's dad and defining what my family looked like. He remarried 3 months after our divorce. I have a lot of frustrated and bitter feelings when I go back to that time in my thoughts. At some point, I will need to address that within me. Perhaps, it still has control over me because I haven't let it go. I was pretty hurt by how my family handled things during that time and defining loyalty within family bounds was undefined. Broken. That's not what this post is about though. 

My family is defined as "V". Our family mascot is a Doberman with the name "V". She wasn't initially named V for the number 5, but that doesn't matter. It is beginning to feel right to feel like I have a family of 5. I never questioned the type of mother I was pre divorce. I don't have one regret of being that mom. I regret the mom I became with alcohol and dysfunctional relationships. It's tough to see pain in my children's eyes every time I make mistakes that affect them. I have to see purpose in it all now. My children know that I love them and accept them completely. They love and accept me completely. Currently, in my home, we are 4. I hold onto 5. I don't believe that I "need" a man or a woman as a partner to complete my family of 5. I want that. My companion and partner in this parenting stage of my life is God. I hope to remember that when things are good and consistent. I could never do this life by myself. I have never felt more fear and inadequacy than being a single parent and provider. I don't like to feel like a burden or an obligation to people. I don't receive much child support for my 3 children. My child support this month was $147.14. I have an account that I put that money into because it's not mine. I have used that account when I don't have the funds to cover something they need- like braces. It's been building for a bit and it has accumulated over time. I'm grateful for it. I have been very blessed and have been personalized in my blessings. Only God would know how to do that and He does. I feel it. I am undeserving and full of gratitude. I used to battle with the thoughts of not being a good enough mother and not good enough for a good man. These are slowly being erased and I no longer feel that way. That is bullshit. Garbage. Dumb. Deceiving. 

I finally made dinner last night. It's been a real struggle because I don't have an appetite and the smell of food triggers my gag reflex, and I fight the urge to puke (calm down! I'm not bulimic. I am an emotional eater). I made chicken and rice. My 3 kiddos came in the kitchen and we began our family meeting. 

"Well.... Hello kiddos. Welcome to our family meeting." They laughed and so did I. 
Joshy "Is Joe coming?"
Me "Not this time. I just want to check in with you guys and create some family values that we can live by and believe."
Juliana "Values?"
Me "Yeah, I don't believe in rules. My therapist told me to throw them out and create values and that felt right to me. So, let's come up with 3 family values that can be defined and we can live by in this home."

*kids smirk and look at each other with confusion

Me "K. I'll go first. Honesty. You will never be in trouble with me if you are honest with me. When you aren't honest with me then I feel like I have to go to your dad for advice. I will be honest with you and I expect you to be honest with me. I will continue to create an open feeling where you can all feel safe to talk to me."
Everyone agreed and liked it. Sighs of relief. Family meetings aren't so bad....
Me "K. Who wants to come up with another value?"
Mikey "Family first."
Me "What does that look like?"
Mikey "That we drop what it is we want to do to be there for each other."
Joshy "Yeah. Like, even in the middle of a game."
Me "I like that. We are all very important to each other. Friends come and go, but we can create a family that is there for each other. Always."
Me "One more. Any thoughts?"

*Kids giggling, looking at each other and shrugging their shoulders."

Juliana "Acceptance."
Me "Oh.... I love that one. How is that defined?"
Juliana "That we accept everyone in this home."

*Everyone loved that one

Me "That includes that we do not gossip in this home. If we value acceptance then we will continue to learn that people don't mean to hurt us and we accept them as we accept those who are close to us. It doesn't mean we have to let them into our life, but we accept them as they are. My mom would never be shy of calling me and my friends out for gossiping about other people, and I will do the same in this home. It's unacceptable since we value acceptance."

*Everyone agreed

Me "hmmm, well... that was a good meeting. Now what? Hot tub?"

While me and Josh waited for Michael to finish his workout we had a dance party in the living room. I cherish those times. "Pump up the Jam" "Baby Got Back" We used to have dance parties a lot more, but now that the Mikey and Juliana are older, it's just Joshy who thinks it fun. I will miss these nights.