Third Time is My Charm

Two days ago I sat in my bedroom on a perfectly flat yoga mat with 4 small candles lit in the distance and behind me. I listened to a stranger talk to me while describing a white light above my head and choosing to let it in to fill my entire body. Down and through every limb and joint. With every inhale it sank deeper and eventually penetrated every vein in my body until it was a light that was traveling and circulating with my blood. To the tips of my fingers to the tips of my toes. I was in a place of breathing in oxygen that was colorful and labeled with purpose. I labeled the complete opposite of light to what I was breathing out. The amount of inhaled oxygen is 21% compared to 16% on the exhale. I held on to that 5% that I labeled and allowed it to find rest in my body. This all sounds a little coo coo. Just typing it out makes me feel like I need to check myself into a mental hospital. I laughed at it all before too. This breathing is to show me that although my subconscious min...

 Last night we had a family meeting. I have struggled since my divorce with my children's dad and defining what my family looked like. He remarried 3 months after our divorce. I have a lot of frustrated and bitter feelings when I go back to that time in my thoughts. At some point, I will need to address that within me. Perhaps, it still has control over me because I haven't let it go. I was pretty hurt by how my family handled things during that time and defining loyalty within family bounds was undefined. Broken. That's not what this post is about though.  My family is defined as "V". Our family mascot is a Doberman with the name "V". She wasn't initially named V for the number 5, but that doesn't matter. It is beginning to feel right to feel like I have a family of 5. I never questioned the type of mother I was pre divorce. I don't have one regret of being that mom. I regret the mom I became with alcohol and dysfunctional relationships. It...

 You know what hurts my feelings? When someone says "that's not you." As if people want to wear goggles that will morph my reality to appease their perception. It is me. All of it. Who would I be if I didn't have the ugly? How would I know?  Spencer W. Kimball said in his talk "God will Forgive" that he gave in March 1982- "Another error into which some transgressors fall, because of the availability of God's forgiveness, is the illusion that they are somehow stronger for having committed sin and then lived through the period of repentance.... How satisfying it is to be cleansed from filthiness, but how much better it is never to have committed the sin!" I don't remember when I first heard that, but I haven't forgotten it. It defies what the atonement is for. The only one that never committed sin is Jesus so I guess if we can't be perfect then we should measure up next to each other. To those who have worse sins than the other. ...