Third Time is My Charm

 Straight face. Shoulders back.  Just kidding- smile time.... Iron board thrown and newspapers from a flat tired bicycle thrown.. as well. On the grass and punches from a heavyset man thrown on top of "my smile time". Walking man dance. "Keep your tongue in your mouth, will ya?" My smile time.  I never had a smile time, because I knew the nod. 

 I'm learning that withdrawal is something experienced with anything you've relied on and it's immediately taken away. There are different ways something is taken away from you. I heard from a friend "you want to know how to make someone go absolutely insane? - Give them something they love and then take it away."  I am in the process of removing things from my life that cause a reaction that is uncomfortable. Allowing myself to feel the withdrawal because I choose it.  Dear Instagram and Facebook, Wow! I have over 1,000 friends with you. I care about them and like their posts so they know I care about them. My world is so small with you and it's been my world for years. I deleted you July 28 and it has felt strange without you. A little bit of a world flip. I woke up at 3:30am and permanently deleted my account and hiked Mount Raymond. Wow! What a beautiful world and incredible view. My world that I saw in front of me was incomprehensibly massive. Where have ...

 Mind on overload looks like a week in bed with debilitating anxiety. What is it that loads my mind and body to a state of empty thoughts but a heavy mind? Overload of what? Some "friends" would consider me as spontaneous. I'm not. I was reckless with the amount of times I coped with alcohol avoiding what was tugging at the strings of my soul. That is not spontaneous. That was hurtful and damaging to not just the people I love, but to my soul, my mind, my heart. It numbed my ability to feel close to God. It dumbed my mind to forget irrational behavior. It severed the aorta to my heart that is meant to provide real love.  It was a phase of success. It was but a phase in my life of grief. Unexplainable and tormenting grief that I wasn't prepared to handle nor even know what to do when it engulfed my entire being. It felt like it was never going to end. It ended, but the ripple effect will continue to wash upon the shores of my vulnerable existence.  That ripple effect i...

  Dear Dissociation,  Hollow. Separated. Afraid. Untrusting.    Head tilted back and breathing again. *inhale*    hold.    *exhale*    free.    Hello my friend, I wish we would never have met again. I've been running from you, and yet... I still find you. I am trying to remember when I first met you.    Blank.   I am searching for you now. I hope to find you. You are haunting and exhausting and keep me awake all night.    My dear Dissociation,  Your cunning, persuasive, and enticing inhale breathes me in.  I accept the peace of your inhale. I am sucked. Hold me. Please hold me.  I wake up. You are as cunning as I've been told. I want to hold you now. I see you in all the world around me and in the people I love.    Dear Dissociation, You are the heal of false perception, and not the healer.