Third Time is My Charm

Having brothers have taught me that the reach of a woman is strong.  I did it too. Until - no semi ;  listen to mom. Grateful for brothers. I see (as a sister) the sadness of my brothers because of her sadness and her confusion. Fuck you. Mother's birth and let their children decide. 

Why does the sky look different... when you have someone you love up there? Why does the grip of holding on feel chaotic... when letting go is peaceful? Why does healing take place... when you feel most lonely? Why does feeling like you have nothing to lose... remind you that you have it all? I don't fucking know.  I know the sky is more blue because you had blue eyes. I know peace because I can now breath. I know I'm not alone because I have found me. I know material is matter and people you love are more than matter. 

 Life again.  Talk as if death is the end.  End. Whispers in the silence and in between discomfort. Discomfort. Pulling and a facade of embracement Embracement. Engulfment of unexplainable acceptance  Acceptance. What is the feeling of belonging? Belonging. Nothingness. Acceptance. Embracement. Discomfort. An ending to a new beginning.  Gratitude.

 A decade of wondering what was wrong with me. Dating after my divorce felt like an abyss of confusion. I felt seen. I felt like I could attract anyone I wanted and settled for a man, who was a vortex of chaos. It sucked me right in. His chaos became my chaos and I kept sliding further and further into the vortex hole of trauma. It was a tough climb out. The pain of regret kept me falling deeper and deeper into the sucking hole. Who would want this person I was becoming being with that man? Nobody. Nobody could possible accept the constant drinking, partying, and my constant plea for more and more attention.  Smeared mascara dripping from the chin of a sad woman as she curled up to hug a pillow for comfort. Demons in her mind as they chattered thoughts of worthlessness and convincing her she was a terrible mother and even worse companion. Bottles of heart medication, muscle relaxers, and an empty bottle of vodka sat next to her bed that afternoon as she decided to join the dance with t

 You know that feeling after sucking on something so cold that you squint your eyes and pull your shoulders up to your ears and... oof maybe hold on to your forehead and cover your eyes? This is the very feeling I felt as a child. As did my siblings. Maybe, and, perhaps- you too.  Sad movies... "are you crying?" "are you crying?" *giggles* Yes. We are all crying. Except you Dad with his belly on the floor. Mom making sure we weren't crying... Kids scattered on the couch digging into the bottom and top cushion of the long couch for some kind of comfort. Comfort: engulfing. embracing. holding. gentle. cry. safe.  Let your brain freeze for the moment- you are more than the feelings that blow with the breeze    

 What a deceitful word; The word "attraction".  Grounded in my commitments and obligations from birth. I am attracted to your freedom. My perception of your ability to be free.  You are so free.  Can you free me too? Attraction, You are but the biggest distraction. I am easily swayed by, and blown with the leaves, that whither in seasons from the roots you are.  There is no holding in the wind as you and I are blown. Roots, I hear the wind from above the ground that I'm now in, and perhaps, have seen before. Plant yourself. You will be just as rooted as the evergreen tree and ever more. 

 Two planks of sheetrock and a couple of 2x4 standing pieces of wood is not enough to hold back my ears- from hearing your tears.  Not enough paint to cover the walls that cover the sheetrock and muffle all of your tears that I so desperately wish to catch of yours over the years. I am tempted to ask who suffers more... The listener or the sufferer. I dare not ask. Not anymore. We are all the sufferer.  Dear Holder, There is always space in the arms of you, dear Holder. In the heart of yours... a Holder. Within and fully encompassed by you, the Holder.  I want to hold too.  Dear Healer, I don't know you. You are but a dream and one of beautiful hope. Do you hold while you heal? or just hold?...  or just heal? If anything, please do both for my daughter.